Black is the New White Page 5

JOAN Ray!

  CHARLOTTE Francis, what’s going / on

  FRANCIS / Great, let’s start. Here, let me get the gifts—

  There is a knock at the door.

  JOAN Maybe that’s your parents, Francis?

  RAY About time.

  JOAN walks towards the door.

  FRANCIS No, let me get that /

  JOAN / Don’t be silly, it’s fine.

  JOAN opens the door with flourish and stops suddenly. In the doorway stand DENNISON and MARIE. MARIE is holding beautifully wrapped gifts.

  DENNISON For Chrissakes, Marie, we’re probably at the wrong bloody place again! (looks at his phone) That dickhead tweeted me!

  MARIE Dennison—

  DENNISON Is that boy answering his phone – I barely even get reception out here in the bloody / bush.

  MARIE / Dennison!

  FRANCIS Mum. Dad. Merry Christmas.

  MARIE My little boy, I haven’t seen you since London.

  FRANCIS Uh … these are my parents. Mum, Dad, meet Raymond and / Joan.

  DENNISON / we know who they are.

  RAY You! What are you doing here?!

  DENNISON What are you doing here?

  RAY What am I doing here? What are you doing here!?

  DENNISON More like what are you doing here?

  RAY I said, what are you doing here!?

  DENNISON That’s what I asked you!

  RAY I asked you first!

  DENNISON Well, then, what are you doing here?!

  RAY I asked you second! What are you … Goddammit! This is my house! That’s what I’m doing here! Now get out, you White, foul-smelling / bigot!

  JOAN / Raymond! Stop!

  DENNISON That’s it, I’m leaving.

  MARIE Dennison, don’t you dare.

  RAY Good riddance!

  DENNISON I’m not being disrespected like this.

  RAY Ha! You’re not being respected at all to even be disrespected like this!

  DENNISON That doesn’t make any sense!

  RAY Just like your career!

  JOAN Raymond!

  RAY Charlotte, is this a joke? The son of Dennison Smith?

  CHARLOTTE It’s not a joke, Dad.

  RAY Dennison Smith. Dennison Bloody Smith.

  DENNISON Yes, Dennison Smith, that’s my name.

  RAY I’m not talking to you! Dennison Smith the right-wing Liberal racist bigot who tried to ruin my career. You’re seriously bringing him and his spawn into my house?

  CHARLOTTE Yes.

  FRANCIS Look, I’m as pleased as anyone that I’m his spawn.

  DENNISON points to RAY

  DENNISON What about him?!

  RAY What about me?

  DENNISON It’s so rich! You calling me the right-wing racist bigot who ruins careers. You, who pointed out my race and called me White as soon as I stepped foot in this house! Maybe I wouldn’t have been a bigot if you didn’t constantly throw the race card at me!

  RAY The race card? You even dare to say that! Here?! Under a Black man’s roof!

  DENNISON There we go! The race card again! Putting words into my mouth! Why can’t you just call it a roof!

  RAY Get out!

  CHARLOTTE Dad!

  DENNISON With pleasure.

  DENNISON walks towards the door. MARIE stands in front of it.

  MARIE You are not going anywhere.

  JOAN Raymond. Stop it. Stop it now.

  CHARLOTTE Maybe we should try this again?

  MARIE Good idea.

  CHARLOTTE It’s so lovely to finally meet you, Marie. Is it Marie or Marie?

  MARIE Marie. Thank you for asking, darling.

  CHARLOTTE I’ve heard so many good things about you Lovely to meet you properly, Dennison.

  JOAN And lovely to see you again after all these years, Marie. And you, Dennison.

  JOAN gives MARIE and DENNISON a cordial hug. She silently motions to RAY. RAY ignores her.

  JOAN Ray, shake his hand.

  RAY No.

  JOAN Raymond …

  RAY No.

  JOAN Shake his bloody hand.

  They shake hands.

  RAY Dennison.

  DENNISON Raymond.

  JOAN Please, make yourself at home.

  MARIE You have a beautiful house.

  JOAN Thank you.

  RAY This land is our ancestral land.

  MARIE Who are your people?

  RAY The Gomeroi People.

  DENNISON scoffs.

  RAY Oi! You! Come over here and say that!

  DENNISON I didn’t say anything!

  RAY Yes, you did!

  DENNISON Oh, yeah! Prove it!

  RAY You prove it!

  DENNISON No, you prove it!

  RAY I don’t have to prove anything! This is my land!

  SONNY walks up the stairs whistling a tune, completely oblivious to what has gone on. He walks right into the tension.

  SONNY So there were a ton of Malbecs and I couldn’t really tell the difference, so I just grabbed whatever. I mean, the more the merrier, right? … Oh. Hello! I’m Sonny. Merry Christmas!

  SONNY puts out his hand. No one takes it.

  SONNY Malbec Merlot anyone? It’s from Argentina.

  SCENE 6

  NARRATOR

  The antagonism between Ray Gibson and Dennison Smith was never perceived by others as the great rivalry it was in their own minds.

  They were political opponents during the naughty nineties when Australian politics was on the brink of great social change and the landscape was dotted with ideological egos.

  Ray Gibson was the handsome, charismatic Aboriginal politician with a great head of hair, who was at one point being touted as the future leader of the Labor Party. Dennison Smith was the dour, conservative social services minister for the Liberal Party who wore very expensive suits and had ambitions for the prime ministership that were supported by no one.

  Neither can quite remember the exact moment when they became enemies, but their rivalry peaked when Ray threw his shoe across the floor at Dennison. Dennison tried to have Ray thrown out of parliament but no one cared.

  Throughout their husbands’ tumultuous years as political rivals, Marie and Joan managed to maintain a civil acquaintance mainly thanks to the enthusiasm of Marie, who was always very, very, very fond of Joan.

  Marie Smith has recently come to a very big revelation about herself that she is yet to reveal to anyone. Especially Dennison. She plans to tell him on New Year’s Eve. After this Christmas. The first they have spent with their son, Francis, in six years … That’s 19.2 Aboriginal years.

  MARIE Do you mind if I get the Wi-Fi password?

  JOAN It’s koori123.

  CHARLOTTE You should really change that password.

  DENNISON What do you need that for, Marie?

  ROSE If anyone wants a tipple, there’s eggnog that can come with a slosh of brandy. Or sloshes, plural, if so desired.

  DENNISON So, Sonny, what do your parents do?

  SONNY My mother was a teacher. My father is a preacher. Used to be, he’s passed now.

  MARIE Oh, I’m sorry.

  DENNISON I am very sorry to hear that.

  JOAN It was very sudden.

  RAY Sonny is doing the right thing, though, and tracing back his family roots.

  MARIE How are you doing that?

  ROSE You know that show where they trace back a celebrity’s past and where they’re from? Sonny’s doing that.

  SONNY My dad was Aboriginal but my mum is White. I really wanted to find out more about my mum’s White side.

  ROSE No idea why.

  DENNISON White people’s history and culture is just as important as anyone else’s.

  ROSE Yeah, we know. We live in it.

  DENNISON Aside from the antsy pantsy TV stuff, back in the real world, how are you finding JP Morgan Chase, Sonny?

  SONNY Oh, you know how it is. Work’s work but the opportunities I’ve been afforded have been great.


  DENNISON Do you know Stan Ferguson?

  SONNY In legal?

  DENNISON Head of.

  SONNY I do! Great man.

  ROSE How could you not tell me that Dennison Smith was Francis’s father?

  CHARLOTTE Because you have a big mouth.

  ROSE Are you crazy bringing them here? They will kill each other in the night. And Dennison’s an old racist.

  CHARLOTTE You’re exaggerating.

  FRANCIS No, I don’t think she is. She’s right. He is old. And a racist.

  ROSE It’s your fault, too. They’re going to kill each other.

  FRANCIS We’ll be lucky if they even wait till night. I’m surprised one hasn’t glassed the other yet.

  CHARLOTTE Look at Dad’s eyes, he’s totally thinking about it.

  FRANCIS Sonny likes him.

  ROSE So what? Sonny’s a soft touch. He once cried during a dog food commercial.

  DENNISON Ferguson has been a friend of the family since we were Rhodes scholars together. We were there with Tony.

  FRANCIS Christ, here we go.

  DENNISON Very, very, very good friend of the family. Isn’t that right, Marie?

  MARIE Oh, yeah. Sure. Joan, the eggnog is delicious. Did you make it?

  JOAN I did.

  MARIE Amazing!

  JOAN I can give you the recipe.

  MARIE Oh, no, don’t waste your time. I’m a terrible cook. Even when it comes to liquids. I’m only good at drinking them.

  JOAN I’m sure that isn’t true.

  MARIE Oh, I’m not exaggerating. I really just cannot cook. But maybe you can show me while we are here?

  MARIE grazes her hand across JOAN’s

  JOAN Uh, sure. Maybe we could start with something small?

  MARIE Do you know this is our first Christmas with Francis in years? Thank you so much, Charlotte, for getting him to stop avoiding me. You must be a brilliant lawyer to have won that fight.

  RAY She is. She is a brilliant lawyer. Francis is a very fortunate man.

  FRANCIS I am indeed.

  RAY One could even say he is punching above his weight.

  FRANCIS I think any man would be punching out of their league when it came to Char.

  DENNISON Well, Ray certainly punched above his weight with Joan. This eggnog is delicious. Maybe now that Francis is getting serious about Charlotte, he may consider getting serious about the other things in his life.

  MARIE Dennison, please.

  DENNISON You know, Christmas isn’t the only time of “giving” for Francis, unfortunately.

  MARIE But this Christmas is the first in a long time that we have gotten Francis. And that gift is invaluable.

  FRANCIS Thank you, / Mother.

  DENNISON / Well, actually, I wouldn’t say it was “invaluable” because we have paid a price. You see, there is always a price to be paid when it comes to Francis. You never leave with a full wallet.

  FRANCIS You know, I really thought you would at least wait until Christmas Day when you were pissed and incompetent to start on / this.

  CHARLOTTE / Do you know when Francis and I first met he serenaded me in the street?

  MARIE What? My little Francis?

  CHARLOTTE Yes. It had been a terrible date. Terrible, just really terrible. Like words can’t even describe how terrible this date was.

  RAY Ever heard the saying first impressions are usually the right / ones?

  CHARLOTTE / We had been talking on Tinder for months / and—

  ROSE / Oh, my God! You met on Tinder?! You never told me that. Shame!

  MARIE Oh, that’s not shameful! Lots of people are doing it these days. My podiatrist met his partner on Grindr.

  CHARLOTTE See! So we’re on this date and Francis has no money and he smells slightly strange. Like vinegar.

  FRANCIS I really have no idea what that was about.

  CHARLOTTE And the conversation is just terrible. I thought, I can put up with no money. I can even put up with a strange smell. But terrible conversation? No. Just nope.

  FRANCIS The thing was, I was just so intimidated by her. She was so smart and competent. And she smelt good. And, look, to be fair, I was very aware of my vinegar smell.

  SONNY Why did you smell like vinegar?

  FRANCIS Oh, well … uh …

  DENNISON Yes, Francis. Why?

  CHARLOTTE Oh, look, he really didn’t smell that badly of vinegar. I was exaggerating the story.

  FRANCIS You know what they say, when the fact becomes legend, print the legend.

  ROSE Someone printed that you smelt like vinegar?

  FRANCIS Uh, no, it’s just a saying.

  DENNISON No, when I saw you in London, I do remember the distinct smell of vinegar.

  FRANCIS Alright, to be completely honest, I had an infection in my sweat glands. And I distinctly remember you didn’t smell too good yourself.

  DENNISON Francis, really.

  FRANCIS It’s called propionibacterium and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It breaks down the amino acids in your sweat glands into propionic acid, which causes the vinegar smell. It’s a perfectly natural medical illness.

  CHARLOTTE You never told me that.

  FRANCIS I saw a doctor one day when you were working.

  JOAN Well, you know what they say: true love is blind. That must, uh, extend to smell.

  CHARLOTTE Anyways, back to the story, I walked out onto the street, completely devastated about this

  terrible date and then all of a sudden, Francis comes running out with his huge cello. He sets it up and he starts playing— /

  FRANCIS / “Mysterious Girl”, Peter Andre. She had said it was her favourite secret song.

  CHARLOTTE I knew I was in love.

  FRANCIS I knew I loved her from the moment I saw her.

  SONNY wipes tears away.

  SONNY That’s beautiful. Just really, really beautiful.

  ROSE That’s cute. And lame. Really lame.

  JOAN Sounds like our Charlotte might be the lucky one here.

  MARIE Francis has always been such a sweet boy. Very sensitive and sweet. One time he got so scared watching the film Jaws he wet himself.

  FRANCIS Mother, really.

  DENNISON You really do have a beautiful property out here.

  RAY Thank you. It’s our ancestral land.

  DENNISON sno rts.

  DENNISON And did your ancestral land come with the mansion or not?

  RAY Excuse me?

  DENNISON Just saying it’s a very flash humpee you have here.

  RAY Here, you better look out! I let you into this flash humpee and I can kick you out of it.

  DENNISON What? Gonna spear me too?

  RAY Yeah, and I know exactly where I would, you racist.

  DENNISON Settle down, settle down, Gibbo. Just having a joke with you.

  MARIE So, Charlotte, I’m sure your parents’ work has played a role in your career today?

  CHARLOTTE Oh, I’m constantly getting introduced as Ray Gibson’s daughter. The shadow I can’t escape.

  JOAN I’m sorry, darling, that’s terrible.

  RAY Uh … why is that terrible? Why is being introduced as Ray Gibson’s daughter terrible?

  CHARLOTTE It’s not being introduced as your daughter, Dad. It’s being reduced to being your daughter. All the time.

  FRANCIS You should try being reduced to Ray Gibson’s daughter’s boyfriend!

  RAY What?

  FRANCIS Look, it’s not … a bad thing … at all … I’m really happy to be joining this family. This beautiful … multicultural family. It’s an honour. You know … like that song … “Ebony and Ivory” … you know, that song—

  FRANCIS starts singing lyrics to the Paul McCartney classic “Ebony and Ivory”.

  FRANCIS “Ebony and ivory, live together in perfect harmony … ooh.”

  CHARLOTTE Oh, god.

  MARIE Isn’t Francis so gifted?

  FRANCIS Mother, please. I was just joking. You know … being self-deprecat
ing. Like I’m a great white hand bag.

  DENNISON A hand bag? Francis, if you could just hear the way you’re talking about yourself. Have some pride.

  ROSE White pride? That always ends well.

  RAY What’s wrong with being a woman’s hand bag? Are you not a feminist? Sometimes being a hand bag is what’s needed to truly support a woman. /

  DENNISON / Equality is not about reducing people to hand bags. That was always your problem, Gibson, you were never consistent /

  RAY Never consistent!

  SONNY Rose makes brilliant hand bags. I always joke about how great it would be if men could

  carry hand bags. That’s like the last obstacle of sexism, isn’t it? For men to do femme things without being mocked?

  FRANCIS starts singing again.

  FRANCIS “Ebony and ivory, live together in perfect / harmony …”

  SONNY Please, Francis, I’m rooting for you. Stop singing.

  FRANCIS Oh, God, I’m making it worse. Look, I love being a Black woman’s white hand bag. Love it.

  RAY What? Black woman?

  FRANCIS I mean, love that I’m going to be your future son-in-law.

  JOAN Son-in-law?

  CHARLOTTE Francis!

  RAY My son-in-law?

  FRANCIS What I mean is, that you’re Black and I’m White and that’s great … Look, what I’m saying is that most of all I love that I’m going to be Charlotte’s husband.

  JOAN You’re engaged?!

  MARIE Congratulations!

  CHARLOTTE Francis wasn’t meant to tell you. We were waiting to see how this went.

  MARIE Congratulations!

  JOAN Yes, congratulations! Welcome to the family, Francis.

  DENNISON Are you sure?

  CHARLOTTE Excuse me?

  FRANCIS What do you mean, are we sure?

  DENNISON Are either of you sure about this?

  CHARLOTTE Uh – we are very sure / about

  FRANCIS Dad, do not. Please.

  RAY What are you talking about? Because Charlotte’s Black?

  JOAN Raymond!

  DENNISON Francis, you can barely support yourself, let alone someone else.

  MARIE Dennison, stop it!

  CHARLOTTE He does not need to support me, and if needed I can support him.

  RAY I didn’t raise you to support a White boy!